As a result of Top Chef, book blogs, and art reviews, I am expanding my use of adjectives. I have learned that when I describe my entrée as “amazing” or “delicious,” I am not developing any awareness of the types of foods and tastes I enjoy. Similarly, describing a book as “awesome” does not help me find my next great read. As parents, we need to expand our use of vocabulary when we describe our children, too. If we want to groom our children into productive, successful adults, we need to understand them better, including their strengths, their weaknesses, and their eccentricities.
Inevitably, almost every parent who seeks my services initiates the conversation by describing his or her child as “smart” or “bright,” although he or she usually uses a very in front of that adjective. This introduction tells me absolutely nothing about the child. These adjectives have become meaningless.
“Smart” can mean many things to parents. That one word can describe (1) a student who earns straight As by doing absolutely nothing in school, (2) a child who spends every waking hour optimizing her grades, or (3) a child who is a genius or a prodigy in a particular area.
Let’s look at our children through a new lens:
Do our children exhibit an unbelievable intuitive understanding of the physical world, so much so that we ourselves are astounded by their insights? Moreover, do they exhibit their aptitude for such concepts at a very young age?
Do our children have heightened sensitivities that make them able to grasp and express the subtext of art easily and to connect deeply with others, to a mind-blowing degree?
Do our children have an unending work ethic, such that they are willing to work tirelessly to master a skill and simultaneously to ensure the highest class average?
Are our children prodigies, combining their innate gifts with an astonishing drive that will make them top-tier (and I do mean “top-tier”) athletes or artists?
Such children exist. I have worked with them; however, while every child has gifts, most children are not described by the statements above because these children are highly unusual.
More commonly, our children
Earn good grades, maybe even excellent grades, with minimal effort or interest but are described as a “poor test takers” (another descriptor that is usually misunderstood);
Earn very high test scores through little study but earn disappointing grades; or
Are generalists, who appear to do everything well but who are not “truly outstanding.” They do not gain notoriety beyond their school in any particular area.
All of these children may benefit from better focus, study skills, or motivation, or they may need help identifying and honing their own unique interests. They are wonderful, lovable, special human beings with their own set of gifts. They are “you” and “me,” most likely: Worthy, ultimate contributors to society, but on many levels, relatively average in the classroom, at a party, and on the sports field. These children must learn to cultivate their talents and understand their motivations, and they may need discipline or guidance to ensure that they are high-functioning human beings in the classroom and in life.
Because most children need our guidance to become the best version of themselves, we must seek to understand our children better. We must be willing to see their foibles, and we must be willing to increase our children’s awareness of their own quirks: their social awkwardness, lack of empathy, or poor self-restraint, for example. We are so busy showering our children with praise and projecting what we want to see that we fail to articulate precisely for our children and for ourselves where they need to grow.
Let’s challenge ourselves to seek out vocabulary that enhances our understanding of our children. Let’s engage them in conversations that facilitate a better grasp of our children’s true strengths and interests and that unearth the root of any problems, and let’s seek to minimize describing our children as bright and smart. They know such descriptors are meaningless. They are rolling their eyes at us.