Not too many people know that I was a dancer when I was young. My mom put me in a pink leotard with pink tights at the age of three and enrolled me in a dance studio. Although I showed no real signs of promise (indeed, I still struggle with my own posture today), through the years that followed, I developed a very good sense of rhythm and became a quick study of steps.
I continued dancing throughout my childhood and became a Cavalier Kicker (my college dance team’s name at the time) and even the lead instructor for cotillion, both in my hometown and for the local cotillion near my university. I taught ballroom dancing to fellow students as a “Short Course” in college, too. Generally, though, I was not a standout dancer, but when a child engages in an activity for that long and with such commitment, some level of success is likely guaranteed. Plus, I was a pretty good teacher, even then; however, in ballet class, I struggled. I distinctly remember my ballet instructor popping me on the stomach and the rear with her yardstick, and not in a friendly way, to adjust my stance. I felt like I was accomplishing an acrobatic feat just to stand momentarily in that erect, controlled position.
I was generally snubbed in dance class by the prima ballerinas because of, I presume, my gangly awkwardness. I did not “measure up” in ballet class. Importantly, though, I measured up at home because my mom did not subscribe to competitive parenting. While she would have loved to see me aspire to dance in a ballet company or as a Rockette or Broadway dancer, my average dancing ability was good enough for her.
Even though my mom did not have much to brag about with regard to my dancing, she likely would not have bragged anyway. She was definitively an anti-bragger. Indeed, she used to complain to me about other parents who constantly boasted about their children’s achievements. In contrast, she only shared information about her children when asked. She was aware that some of these parents exaggerated their children’s accomplishments, and she refused to play a part in competitive parenting. Nonetheless, my mother was very interested in other people’s children. She was a magnet for children in many ways, and she always asked about her friends’ children in conversation, welcoming information about their achievements when prompted by her questions.
As I raised my own children, I tried to adopt her example in an increasingly competitive world. Although I know that I slipped into competitive territory at times, I remembered what my mom had taught me and was able to observe from a different perspective competitive parenting. I witnessed how parental competitiveness is not just distasteful but also detrimental. It pits our children against one another, when, in reality, our children are each unique, and there is plenty of room to celebrate them individually.
I am not anti-competition. How could I possibly put forth such a statement in North Carolina on the eve of the NCAA Basketball Tournament? Competition often brings out the very best in our children. As they vie for class rank, class officer, and team captain, they learn better study, leadership, and collaborative skills. A self-selected competitor realizes very tangible gains, win or lose; however, when parents become overly invested in their children’s pursuits, directing them and judging them on each move, their children feel as though they must perform, must meet unmeetable expectations, must measure up.
Parental competition, both inside and outside of the classroom, and the presence of unmeetable expectations are reasons why our children are anxious today. In many ways, we, as parents, are often guiding our children toward our own dreams for them, based on our outdated views of how the world once was. Even if they achieved our dreams or replicated our own achievements, they might find themselves holding a trophy at the end of the day, yet unfulfilled and lost, wondering why and for what reason. In short, I fear that we often see our children’s accomplishments as our own accomplishments, and in our competitiveness, we want our children to succeed, not just for them but also for us.
Let’s be sure not to chase dreams for our children but instead to encourage our children to choose and to chase their own dreams. And let’s engage in rooting for all of our children, celebrating their unique strengths and recognizing that when we do so, all of our children win.