As a mom, I believe that most parents try to do their best. Ultimately, we all aim to avoid the possibility that, one day, our children will be complaining about us to some therapist, which is probably not preventable. As I reflect on my efforts raising my two boys, I know that I made many mistakes, but like most of you, I am very proud of the men they have become, even if the results are primarily due to my children’s own hard work, rather than any efforts my husband and I exerted to guide them toward a life of purpose.
I think it can be a worthwhile exercise, though, to evaluate what kind of parents we are. Are we more strict or permissive? Do we parent with a primary philosophy that we simply want our children to be happy, or do we parent to prepare them for the rugged realities of adult life ahead? How much of our parenting styles are due to our own experiences as children?
Balance, of course, is likely what we should strive to obtain. Parenting styles, much like diets, will come and go, but balance is likely the best path to success.
In my own personal reflection, I was part drill sergeant. Those of you who know me won’t be surprised by this admission. I urged physical fitness above all else with my boys, which meant that they always maintained a busy schedule and always had a lot of exercise. I intentionally prioritized fitness because it is a lifelong habit that I deem important. I still believe that lots of physical activity, especially for boys, builds confidence both outside and inside the classroom and helps foster a child’s ability to sit still, whether in school, at a religious service, or at the dinner table.
I also set very high expectations, admittedly pushing them past the point of comfort. They chose their own activities, but once engaged, I expected full effort. The results were that they often surprised themselves. Such experiences build resilience and self-satisfaction. If we do not put any pressure on our children in terms of expectations, in my observation, children often fall short of their potential.
The third reason, that I was, quite frankly, a taskmaster of a mom is because I have no tolerance for laziness. Absolutely none. That is not to say that I don’t value walking in nature or sitting in the grass to examine a dandelion closely. That is not to say that I don’t value play, such as a game of Scrabble or building a Lego model, or that I don’t appreciate a hobby, even introspective ones, such as painting. I do, however, have a very low tolerance for hours spent gaming or for gaming as a “social activity.” I have very low tolerance for mindlessly streaming reels on Instagram up to the point where the streamer has no idea why his or her feed is filled with videos about a particular subject, totally unaware of the algorithms that are reflecting personal habits. And I have no tolerance for sleeping Saturdays away. In my experience, all of these activities reinforce depressive tendencies and isolation.
My fifteen years of experience as an academic coach have affirmed my personal observations. I am neither a doctor nor a mental health counselor, but after working with hundreds of children, I can confidently say that I do not regret raising my children with high expectations, pushing their physical limits, or encouraging them to fill their days with activity and social interactions.
I am extremely aware that some children are more fragile than others. I have worked with many such children, but I am also aware that coddling our children, even if they are highly sensitive, does not bode well for them, in my experience.
I was a product of a very rigid household. Naturally, I have tried to swing the pendulum in the direction of more nurturing, but I also exercised a lot of restraint to ensure that I did not overdo the nurturing, to the point of becoming a pushover. Admittedly, in my mind, ideal parenting is likely a little bit more gentle than my approach. Thankfully, I had a husband who balanced out my efforts.
From my personal reflection, I hope that you will gain insights to your own parenting styles. Whether you agree with my observations and my approach or not, increasing our awareness and the intentionality of our decisions is important. I also hope that you hear my loud cry that today’s children need greater parental involvement. Not helicoptering. Not controlling. Not usurping their individuality or personal responsibilities, but genuine, loving attention and interest in their days, their friends, and their activities. Personal connections have, in my estimation, never been more important.