I have a student who just received the devastating news that his relationship had ended. After over nine months of courtship and signs of promising affection, he received word from his loved one – by email, to boot – that his relationship would go no further. My student is heartbroken! He really thought this relationship would last, but it simply was not to be. So, too, was the fate of so many of his classmates who also received word in the last two weeks that their dream school was simply not interested in them.
Finding the right college placement is very much like a first relationship for our children. The schools flirt with them by inundating our mailbox with glossy love letters and captivating photos. Our students’ interest is piqued, and much money is invested in the relationship. Our whole family plans a day trip, or perhaps a weekend trip, to explore the relationship. The relationship escalates as our children become emotionally invested, through social media, websites, and otherwise, to ensure that they have found the “right” one. They may even contact shared connections – others who know the school of interest. They may seek the help of matchmakers, or college counselors, to help seal the deal.
Then, our children confess their undying love for the school in personal essays and divulge all of their deepest and darkest secrets, only to wait patiently thereafter, for months on end, wondering if their love will be returned.
And, then, bam! An email comes that breaks our children’s hearts and shreds their dreams into tiny pieces. “We are not compatible,” the school says, or, in some cases, “I want to date other people and see where our relationship goes” (i.e., Waitlisted!).
As parents, we know how difficult the path to love is to navigate. What can we do to safeguard our children’s hearts and futures without usurping their independence? Parents of sophomores and juniors take note:
As an academic coach, I first caution my students about having an exclusive and elusive end-goal to their high school careers. Instead, I recommend that they consult a college counselor and cultivate a generous list of college options that fits his or her interests, needs, and profile. Be certain, I warn, to have plenty of choices, and while all choices will not be equal, all choices must be realistic and acceptable options. In other words, date around! There is more than one right mate for your child. However long your college list is, add one or two more colleges to the list for good measure, because the percentage of applicants accepted to highly selective colleges dwindles each and every year. Remember that yesterday’s safety is today’s reach, so make sure you have several attainable choices.
After you have sufficiently readied yourself for the very real potential of heartache, encourage your child to put him or herself out there. If your child’s dream is Harvard, and he or she has a fighting chance, then pull out all of the stops. Special testing is required for these highly selective schools, including SAT Subject Tests, so do your research carefully or consult a professional.
With all of the rejections sent out in the last two weeks, some folks are suggesting that where you go to school does not matter that much. (See Frank Bruni’s podcast on Times Insider: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/06/insider/college-admissions-stop-the-madness.html ) As much as I want to offer you solace and agree, I simply cannot. While a student can graduate from a lesser name school, even a community college, and find tremendous success, the odds are not stacked in his or her favor. We can debate the validity of college rankings, but consider those rankings that weigh the number of graduates employed and what their average salaries are. These are measurable indicators of financial success.
The college admissions process is not for sissies. Your heart may well be broken. Decide whether the risk is worth it, and, if so, go for it!