Last night an old friend called and told me she had breast cancer.
Of course, she wanted me to know because of our longstanding friendship. Beyond that, however, I believe she called not only to share with me that she is facing a journey but also to elicit my advice because I too embarked on that journey six years ago.
The gist of our conversation gravitated toward three primary themes: every cancer patient’s journey is uniquely personal, positivity matters, and normalcy breeds comfort. Since our conversation, I have reflected on her journey, praying for her health, and on the more general application of these themes, which seems relevant as we commence another journey: the school year ahead.
I am not trying to elevate the rigors and stress of a school year, no matter the level, to staring down cancer. Cancer, as unfortunately most families know, is seemingly all-consuming and carries with it a variety of emotions and life changes; however, I do see parallels. The themes threaded through our phone conversation can be guideposts for any number of journeys we face in life. They may not be surprising truths, but we easily lose sight of them as we get caught up in our day-to-day battles during the year.
Each Child’s Journey Is Uniquely Personal. Seek Understanding Before Offering the Quick Fix.
At Arbor Road Academy, I choose to work with one child at a time so I can become intimately familiar with his or her strengths and weaknesses. Every child I meet struggles with some aspect of school, even my highest performers, and a child’s struggles will often differ from the struggles of his or her parents, sometimes to their surprise. My understanding of your whole child steers my coaching.
Most people have sensitivities when others assume that they know the journey and offer quick fixes or remedies. I was particularly irritated when people told me the decisions that they would make about breast cancer treatments, and, frankly, I still am. Students, too, I believe, want to be understood, not dismissed with a casual directive, such as “Work harder;” “Go to tutorial,” or “I expect better grades.” Sometimes these instructions are perfectly appropriate, but not always. Taking time to unravel your child’s struggles and to problem solve with him or her is usually a better approach. Other times, students need to conquer demons independently, because, through these travails, he or she will experience the most growth.
Positivity Matters.
I firmly believe that my upbeat attitude and, even more so, the outlook of my supportive husband made my cancer journey easier. Even those whose prognosis is much grimmer than my own apparently benefit from a positive outlook. Studies show that positivity leads to fewer hospital readmissions.
As parents, our own optimism about school is important, too, as our children see how we react, hear what we say, and internalize our feelings. Reframe negative statements about your child’s teachers and schedules and refrain from expressions of hopelessness, such as “You are just bad at math,” or “I heard she is a bad teacher,” substituting positivity: “You’ve got this,” “We will figure it out,” and “How can I help?”
Normalcy Breeds Comfort.
While school will be the centerpiece of your child’s life, it need not become the centerpiece of the family’s day-to-day life. Every dinner conversation should not revolve around homework, college choices, college essays, or grades. Balance is always preferable.
I never wanted my diagnosis to become the focus of every conversation or to change my relationship with family and friends. Certainly, heavy conversations were required at times, but, mostly, I craved consistency: living a normal, day-to-day life.
As your children encounter obstacles this year, they will yearn for your love and support; the structure your household offers, including their daily chores and obligations; the usual family jokes and silliness; and your efforts to understand their struggles without judgment.
If nothing more, I hope that the parallels I have drawn here offer perspective. None of these school issues are as weighty as our health or happiness. As parents, you set the tone for your children. May you and your family have a school year filled with growth and normalcy, but, mostly, may the year ahead bring your family good health and happiness.