Grief and Gratitude

As many may know, I have had a difficult year, losing three family members: my mother, my sister, and my brother-in-law. Navigating an already painful pandemic with these unexpected challenges has been tough. Grief is an exhausting process that hits each of us in different ways. I personally do not subscribe to the five stages of grief model. I believe that the first four stages – denial, anger, bargaining, and depression – are neither sequential nor endured by all, but I would like to believe that acceptance is the final stage of grief and hope to get there myself.

Globally, we are all experiencing and reconciling grief. Our lives have dramatically changed. We have lost or deferred not only family life cycle events, such as graduations, weddings, and funerals, but also lesser yet still important events, like proms, homecoming games, and birthday parties. We have lost jobs and witnessed deaths. We have lost education, too . . . lots of education.

No matter where our children were enrolled in school, a pandemic education paled in comparison to a pre-pandemic education. In-person instruction was curtailed everywhere, even if limited to times when students and/or teachers had COVID exposure. Fear gripped most students and teachers, further complicating the educational process. While I am hopeful that life is slowly resuming some normalcy, we must take time to understand the losses that each of us incurred, including educational losses. We must process our grief.

This week’s Winston-Salem Journal led with a story on Monday, November 1, of educational deficits. The results documented “profound” pandemic learning losses, supported by statistical findings. The sheer size of these losses may have astounded some readers, but not me; indeed, I believe that the percentages failed to fully capture the incurred losses. Expectations and requirements for students were curtailed everywhere. Student access to teachers was limited. Public schools offered pass/fail options and did not even require work after March 2020 during the conclusion of that academic year. Grade inflation was, at times, absurd. While private schools generally offered a significantly better education, even in these schools, based on my personal observations, learning and expectations were compromised. I am not per se assessing fault or blame on the educators; the required adjustments were immediate and unanticipated, but every student sustained learning losses, and most students, in my opinion, should likely be retained for a year. In our fast-paced world where education is a race to the finish, I know that retention will not happen, but I believe that it likely should. We have reason to grieve.

Even grief, though, has positive benefits, and I am particularly reminded of its benefits during the month of November, as Thanksgiving approaches. With grief comes gratitude and responsibility. Grief realigns our priorities, enabling us to cling to our values and to focus on relationships in the here and now. Grief also reminds us that we bear responsibility: responsibility for ourselves, our happiness, and our needs, including, of course, our children’s education. 

I am hopeful that this Thanksgiving we will appreciate in-person instruction, the opportunity to learn from and with others, and the folks that still sit at our dining room table. Life is short and is not so much about accomplishments but more about our personal journeys and those with whom we share them. I hope that we can all work to recognize and reconcile our losses over the last 18-plus months and that we can then find room in our hearts for gratitude and reflection.

Educational Fallout and a Call for Action

My family enjoys board games, or so I thought. On vacations, each evening after dinner, my extended family gathers around the table and plays a game or two: Outburst, Scattergories, Backgammon, Texas Hold ‘Em, Scrabble, Five Crowns, Codenames, among a myriad of other favorites. The competition is fierce. The attitudes are not always appropriate, and I may catch a few relatives cheating on occasion. The game playing extends well into the evening until someone, usually the relative who is well “ahead,” expresses fatigue, and the group disbands for bed. I always enjoy the time together, even though I have to admit that some of the game playing is intense.
 
One evening, I asked my husband of over a decade and after many a game-playing vacation night, if he’d like to play a board game at home, and he famously replied, “I’d rather sit here and do nothing.” He was not joking, and his preference had nothing to do with how often he wins. Depending on the game, he can crush me every time.
 
Perhaps you have seen this pattern in your family as well: Some family members are game players; others are decidedly not. I will not purport to understand the basis for this phenomenon; however, what I do find interesting is the non-game board players are always male in my family, especially in a group setting. Obviously, we cannot extrapolate my family’s experiences and assume that a similar pattern would occur within the larger population, but the question intrigues me.
 
Earlier this month, I saw every major publication pick up on a Wall Street Journal article about the alarming decline of the male college student population, “A Generation of American Men Give Up on College: ‘I Just Feel Lost.’” Despite having the greater population share according to statistics that break down the gender of our college-aged U.S. populace, men are enrolling in college at an alarmingly lesser rate: approximately 40.5% of American college students are male, while 59.5% of college students are female. Moreover, 71% of college dropouts during the pandemic are men. 
 
At its heart, school has become a board game to be won, and some students do not want any part of it. They, quite literally, would rather sit in a chair “doing nothing.” School today contains a lot of gender biases. Some lean in favor of men - most notably the opportunity to access leadership roles - but the majority of biases lean in favor of women. I see this pattern within my own student population. Boys are asked at a very young age to sit in a circle and stare at a worksheet when doing so is usually counter to the natural tendencies of that gender. Physical education and activity have largely disappeared from the school day. AP curriculum arguably is nothing but a game: how fast and well can our students memorize, understand, and apply the critical elements of the course. Yes, these critical elements have application to the larger world, but gone is the creativity, the curiosity, the spark that so often engages our children. Our teenaged girls are better at “this” game and have proven so by their academic achievements.
 
Our American education system is in definite need of reform, and we cannot wait for the policy makers to enact change. If our children are struggling, as so many are, we must act now to right their education and to reengage our students. Our high school students may be intrigued by aviation, drone technology, or carpentry, all offered at the Career Center, but those options are not on their board games. To win the game, students (and their parents) feel compelled to max out AP courses, regardless of whether they have an interest in the course, so they can “advance to” the proverbial “finish line.” In my experience, more boys than girls feel hamstrung by the “rules” of the game. My female students are usually more compliant; however, a layer of anxiety often lurks just beneath the surface for so many teenaged girls.
 
To further complicate matters, the statistics reverse themselves when we examine careers. Men have a stronger opportunity to access leadership roles, jobs, and higher pay than their female counterparts. I have yet to read an analysis of the entire situation, from education to employment, that can isolate the causalities because too many factors are at play; however, we must trust our own instincts.
 
The solution – let’s start valuing and listening to our children. Every child is unique, and not all of them should be forced to sit at the game table and to play according to someone else’s rules. Respect is critical as well, so students should not become dictatorial brats about their educations, who insist on getting their way; however, educational priorities should include achieving learning growth, pursuing individual curiosities, developing life skills and a strong work ethic, ensuring mental and physical health, and seeking lesson plans that meet the needs of our children without blindly following a canned or textbook curriculum.
 
Teachers, let’s seek to have fun in the classroom and to shake up the curriculum. Parents, lets raise our voices, dump AP curricula, and get back to a high school curriculum that does not straitjacket our children.  For the board-game lover in me, there is time for that approach as well, but let’s not allow it to become stale. Let's listen to and heed our children's needs.  

My husband maxed out his education. He’s the true definition of a lifelong learner, but he also uses the “H” word to describe school. As a student, he understood that, for him to do what he wanted to do, he had to play the game. Not every student can adapt, though. Our schools need to make room for all kinds of learners.

Second Guessing College Admissions and the Magic Formula

After an unprecedented year and a half, we are facing another admissions cycle. The summer,  no longer a respite from stress, is filled with test prep and conversations about positioning for college applications. College counselors are needed now more than ever before. For the first time in years, admissions forecasting is based less on recent history and more on a deeper understanding of the system and of psychology, both of the applicants and of colleges. The college admissions process is in flux. Malcolm Gladwell’s latest podcast calls sharply into question the entire college ranking system. The US News and World Report has been simultaneously challenged to abandon any reliance on SAT and ACT scores in its rankings. Nevertheless, application numbers to highly-ranked institutions soared last year in the wake of the pandemic and left other colleges wanting. 

Families on the brink of the admissions process understandably have many questions with few reliable answers. Will the ACT and the SAT continue to matter? Probably. Will college rankings continue to sway students? Yes. Will National Honor Society membership matter? Probably not. Should I fence, play squash, or row crew? Do you want to?

Although I am not a college counselor, I often rely on college admissions experts and counselors for trends, and through the years, one magic formula remains tried and true: authenticity. 

In my experience, parents far too often abandon who their child is in favor of what they or the system wants them to be. No wonder our children are facing an anxiety crisis and have self-doubts about who they are: We have placed demands upon them constantly about who they should be, and our demands are often miscalculated. Parents’ attempts to pave a guaranteed path for their children are futile. 

The irony of parenting is that our expectations about who children should be rarely synchronize with who they truly are. I have written before about my perplexity that many students do not even know what they enjoy doing. They simply cannot answer that question, because the answer to that question has so very often been supplied for them.

It’s time that we allow our children, within reason, to determine their own interests and fate. One of my favorite movies, I admit (to the chagrin of many), is The Sound of Music, and the lesson Captain Von Trapp learns is not to treat his children like soldiers but, rather, to get to know them and their feelings – to listen to them. We are raising future leaders, and we need them to develop their own voices.

An experienced college essay reader can always detect when students do not authentically feel their essay topics or when their school records seem aimless or disingenuous. This year, let’s vow to be better listeners and supporters and less heavy-handed in issuing GPS instructions for our children, especially when the proverbial rainbow’s end is a moving target. 

Summer and Fall Enrollment Forms for 2021

After an unpredictable school year, I am looking forward to the year ahead. I hope to help your children regain their footing and transition into the next academic year with confidence and skills. The testing landscape, which this past year was fraught with misfires, will likely resume in full force, and I believe that securing solid test scores will better position your children for their college applications, even at test-optional institutions. 

My priority at Arbor Road Academy is the academic and emotional development of children. I have found that success is best achieved when I partner with parents to hold children accountable and to help them optimize learning and growth. I hope I can help your family achieve these goals.

I am grateful for your interest in Arbor Road Academy. Please click on the links below to download the appropriate form(s). Please remit forms by email for expediency. 

Summer Enrollment Form 2021

Fall Enrollment Form 2021

Summer and Fall Enrollment Forms Will Drop Monday Morning, May 3

A year ago, I anticipated massive changes in education. I forewarned of the need then to focus on daily structure and accountability. How true these words were! But who among us knew that online learning would be such a prolonged endeavor? 

A year later, we know that online schooling failed many of our children. Our schools tried, but teachers were often ill-equipped to reach reluctant learners remotely. In frustration, even our enthusiastic students tired of overused learning platforms, repetitious lessons, screen time, and self-study. 

With in-class instruction finally resuming for many students, hopefully a more normal summer and fall will follow. Many children, though, will have learning gaps because of compromised instruction during the pandemic. The transition in the fall may be more challenging than usual. 

On Monday, May 3, I will release summer and fall enrollment forms here. Historically, enrollment for academic coaching, tutoring, and test prep has filled very quickly. Students of returning families and those who have ridden my waitlist this past year will enjoy a three-day priority window. New students, however, should still act quickly, as slots will otherwise be awarded based on the time and date of the receipt of your enrollment form(s).

I am grateful for your interest and support.

Reclaiming Integrity

 Many universities and institutions pride themselves on integrity, demand allegiance to an honor code, and form a community of trust in which its members must pledge not to lie, cheat, or steal. With community buy-in and mutual respect, the results can be astounding. Everyone together is able to lift each other in collegiality. Instead of focusing on competition, students not only cheer and support one another but also hold each other accountable to core values. Some universities uphold single-sanction honor codes which require expulsion for any proven violation. Most colleges try to vigorously enforce expectations to ensure adherence to the principles of the honor code. Our local high schools also try to instill these core values in their own honor codes; however, violations rarely result in expulsion. 

During the pandemic, with face-to-face accountability minimized, honor codes are under threat. Rampant cheating has seized college campuses and high schools. West Point, a beacon of honor, expelled eight cadets and is holding back another fifty cadets this year following a widespread cheating scandal on a calculus exam. Dartmouth medical students stand accused of cheating on exams administered remotely. GroupMe Chats and the use of Chegg by students to either find or share answers to exam questions have resulted in violations of the honor codes reportedly at over a hundred colleges. Our high school students are not immune; they too have been lured to compromise their integrity, and many have done so. 

Juxtapose these temptations with the fact that parents during the pandemic have felt forced to overlook reprehensible behaviors. At wits’ end, parents watch their children miss deadlines, become gaming addicts, overeat, abuse bedtimes, and stream videos at all hours. We all share immense empathy for our children’s losses, with sports, social events, in-person learning, camps, and proms canceled for over the past year. Even vacations have been largely compromised. We, as parents, have often abandoned our stations, forgiven our children’s trespasses, and written off the year.

No matter how tired and worn down we may be, however, we must recognize the importance of treating integrity as sacred. We must guard our children’s integrity.

 C. S. Lewis wisely said, “Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.” Getting ahead today by cheating on an online test will not help our children find success on the AP exam, nor will it serve them well as they move onto the next level in school. Students who cheat their way to the “college of their dreams” will only find themselves out of their depths, drowning in a sea of competition. The Varsity Blues College Admissions scandal left us aghast because of the flagrant lying involved:  photo-shopping faces on athletes, generating false accommodations to access extended time on standardized tests, hiring proctors to correct standardized test answers, and paying money to buy a spot away from another, more deserving student. If we truly believe that we would not stoop to such a level, we must uphold the importance of integrity.

We must encourage our children to act honorably by highly penalizing any acts of lying, cheating, or stealing, by modeling integrity, by confessing any of our own missteps,  by expressing genuine remorse, by accepting responsibility, and by refusing to blame others, for our own transgressions and especially for our children’s. Most of all, we must not be complicit in the process. This absolutely is not the time to say, “Well, everyone else is doing it . . .” 

If we have lost trust in the government, trust in the media, trust in the postal system, trust in college admissions, trust in virtually everything we hold dear, we are truly lost ourselves. We must act together to reclaim the importance of trust. We must value integrity. The rebuilding process must start at home and in our own community. 

Cheating now will lead to even bigger problems later in our children’s lives. Our children are much better served to get these lessons today. We all have heard about students or young adults who get booted from college for an honor code violation or fired from a job, ousted from a career, or even jailed for embezzlement. Hold the line on integrity! Lying, cheating, and stealing never yields true fulfillment.

College Admission Myths

I recently read Jeffrey Selingo’s newest book on college admissions, published late last year: Who Gets in and Why: A Year Inside College Admissions. Hands down, his book is the best examination of college admissions that I have ever read. I highly recommend it to parents who are trying to understand the complicated admissions process.

As an academic coach, not a college counselor, I have watched families struggle with the college application process. I have worked to dispel myths and misunderstandings about the system that I have observed over the past fifteen years. Selingo’s book reiterates that the guidance I have long offered my families holds true today. While this blog, inspired by Selingo’s book, may be too late to benefit my seniors, I hope that parents of underclassmen will find it useful.

The Myths:

1. If my child works hard, achieves all A’s, and is at the very top of his or her class, he or she can earn admission to any college in the country.

2. My child is an all-around superstar and will, therefore, apply for and earn lots of merit aid.

3. My teenaged sports phenom will be able to get into college on a full-ride athletic scholarship.

4. My child and I can talk about the cost of his or her education after admissions decisions are rendered.

5. College decisions are personal.

• While getting into college is not difficult, getting into the most competitive colleges in our country is very difficult – more difficult than most parents recognize until well into high school and often after hopes and dreams have formed.

Generally, we have ample available seats at college institutions in our country. Students who do not get into any college at all have most likely applied only to schools that are reaches or poor fits for them based on their grades and course rigor.

We are conditioned by society, though, to want our children to matriculate to one of the most competitive academic institutions in the country. We reason that, surely, if our children can study at an Ivy League school, UVA, UNC, Duke, or a comparable high-ranking college, then they will rub shoulders with movers and shakers and boost their résumés significantly, so much so that any concerns about their financial futures will be alleviated. However, the number of valedictorians and other senior superstars each year in our country and internationally is great, and most of them are vying for spots at the same top-ranking schools.

Importantly, our students will not necessarily thrive at these competitive institutions, so we must keep an open mind about the process. Not every student will be happy and successful at these highly selective schools: the pressure, particularly if the college does not fit the student, could be overwhelming, and the student may not feel comfortable socially. Often, the proverbial big fish in a small pond offers a better opportunity for many strong students.

As a country, we need to adjust our attitudes about college education. At its heart, college is about academics and building a future, not about car decals, sports, or fraternities. What students accomplish in college is far more important than where they go.

• Merit scholarships are elusive.

Through applications and a lot of hard work, a student who has performed well in high school may access some merit money, usually modest amounts of merit money in comparison to tuition costs. Most colleges offer some merit money; however, the more selective the college is, the less merit money is available. As an example, some state universities offer merit money to lure non-needy out-of-state students, often based on test scores. The very top universities, however, do not need to dangle such enticements. Ivy League universities and other very selective colleges offer no merit money.

If a family friend or acquaintance reports that his or her child is on “merit scholarship” at a top-tier traditional college, the student’s scholarship, more often than not, is financial aid, based on ability to pay. Yes, the child is likely a strong student who earned admission to the school, but usually he or she did not earn merit money on top of admission. Rather, the school awarded financial aid based on the student’s FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid).

• Perceptions about sports scholarships are inflated.

Do not assume that money will flow to our children because they are star athletes. Ivy League schools and Division III colleges offer no sports scholarships. Division I colleges rarely offer full rides to athletes. Instead, they often spread out a handful of full scholarships among a much larger team of athletes, which means that each athlete earns a mere fraction of full tuition.

Parents of young children who show great promise on the basketball court, on the soccer field, or in the gym should continue that sport only because their children truly love it, not because the sport will pay their way through college.

• College is more expensive than most, even informed, parents think, and they can save themselves a lot of angst by having clear conversations about finances with their children before applications are filed.

The crunch time between the time when admissions decisions are received and when students must commit to their college of choice is short. Financial aid offers can be complicated and difficult to understand. Our children have the capacity to comprehend financial choices and limitations, but in my experience, children are much more understanding if they anticipate the possibility that financial limitations may preclude them from matriculating to their dream school when they learn about those limitations well before earning admission.

• Try not to take rejection letters personally.

The colleges assessing our children have only read our children’s applications, essays, recommendations, and test scores. They reject our students because, on paper, they are not a good fit for the evolving class at that particular institution. Admissions committees admit classes, not students. They are trying to build a diverse class that comes from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of strengths. In other words, they do not need a class full of students who are only interested in computer engineering. Our students’ interests and pursuits can either help them or cost them in college admissions, depending on the schools’ needs. Understanding admissions from this perspective can help our children retain self-confidence and navigate the college admissions process more successfully and optimistically.

A good college counselor and a copy of Selingo’s book can make the college process more transparent. Please let me know if you need a referral.

Harnessing Healthy Pride

            When I was young, we were taught penmanship in school. My grandfather carefully edged his manicured lawn with precision. My grandmother whipped her meringue cookies by hand and dropped them on the cookie sheet in measured form. Healthy pride was instilled in every task. We found art in folding clothes, wrapping packages, maintaining vehicles, and arranging flowers. Art was everywhere, and appropriate pride was exalted. 

            The word pride is not often used in academic circles anymore. It has become a complex term that carries contradictory meanings, a contranym. Pride evokes positivity because, by definition, pride is deep satisfaction in the completion of work. The word pride has been adopted by the LBGTQ community as a positive symbol and a reminder to lead open, genuine lives. Pride simultaneously, though, carries  negative connotations. Egocentric literary characters, such as Odysseus, remind us that hubris clouds judgment; pride is, therefore, linked with corruption and selfishness. In Christian teachings, pride is the deadliest of the seven deadly sins. Similarly, in Judaism, pride is a vice; humility a virtue. I contend, however, that healthy pride is essential to the development of a strong work ethic.

During the pandemic, pride has naturally subsided. Instead of focusing on our appearance and our work, we have, at times, become distracted and robotic. I believe that we need to cultivate healthy pride now, particularly in our high school students.

            What strikes me about what I witness today is the dichotomy I see in students: Some students still have a healthy amount of pride in their work; others seem to have no pride whatsoever. This latter category of students whip off a one-line sentence to a homework assignment in mere seconds, presumably for the completion grade, and without a second thought. In the process, the assignment loses all meaning. Perhaps teachers would assign less homework if students engaged in each task more thoughtfully and thoroughly, if students attacked each assignment with pride. Perhaps, on the other hand, this lack of pride is the result of too much homework, an age-old chicken-and-egg debate. Either way, I believe we will find greater success with a combination of less homework, higher expectations, and quality work.

            As parents and teachers, I believe one of the many obligations we owe our children should be to cultivate healthy pride, an emphasis on excellence. Here are a few ways to nurture healthy pride:

• Model pride in daily tasks.

• Encourage children to be artists and to pursue the arts.

• Show appreciation for art.

• Observe your children’s work product. Ask to read their essays.

• Set expectations, and offer constructive praise and criticism.

• Require fewer assignments but expect much more from each task, whether homework, as teachers, or chores, as parents.

• Do not award completion grades, participation trophies, or payment for children’s responsibilities.

Often pride and work ethic go hand-in-hand. Taking time to produce quality work is a key component of a strong work ethic. Healthy pride leads to a strong sense of self-worth and purpose. Care and thoughtful attention to each task are the goal, and right now, our school culture could use a big dose of healthy pride.

Big News from the CollegeBoard: No More Essays and No More Subject Tests!

On Wednesday, the CollegeBoard announced the discontinuation of the optional essay portion of the SAT in June and the immediate cancellation of all subject tests, the one-hour exams students often take to gain admission to highly selective schools. Because the testing landscape has changed rapidly over the last year, both due to COVID and to criticism, these most recent changes are not a big surprise; however, they are evidence of a testing industry in jeopardy, trying to cling to its market share.

While the current trend in greater flexibility in testing policies is popular, testing will continue to be used to validate academic records. An A at one school is not equivalent to an A at another school, and test scores are the favored way to differentiate students with similar records. Just because the CollegeBoard is initiating these sweeping changes, we should not interpret these moves as indicators that testing is dying out. We also should not be disillusioned by schools that claim to be test optional. Often, test optional status is a ploy to entice applicants to apply, thereby lowering admission rates, a touted statistic.

For the past few years, I have advised my students not to take the essay portion of the SAT or the ACT unless their college interests include a school that requires the essay, of which there are relatively few. My advice was previously based on subjectivity in scoring and the limited scales the scorers use. Students sometimes take the essay portion only to earn a score that taints an otherwise strong score report. Moreover, an AP Language score is likely stronger evidence of writing ability than one 40- or 50-minute timed essay. The removal of the essay portion of the test will limit testing time to three hours for students without accommodations. I am a fan of this CollegeBoard change.

Frankly, though, the more significant CollegeBoard change, even if it affects fewer students, is the elimination of subject tests. Subject tests have long been used to enhance a student’s portfolio by showcasing proficiencies in particular areas. Today’s parents, if they took these tests, may have known them as Achievement Tests or, later, SAT II Subject Tests. Removing these requirements and relying instead often on AP scores, a testing platform also notably controlled by the CollegeBoard, will be a welcome time and money saver for many students. 

I applaud both of these changes, although I recognize them as moves made by the CollegeBoard to leverage position within the testing industry and to streamline its testing. The ACT will hopefully follow suit in short order and discontinue its essay as well.

Bottom line, though, don’t cancel your testing dates. Testing still matters!

Repatterning Our Lives

We have now turned the page on a new year, and we all feel a sense of relief. Whether you have enjoyed quarantine or not, we look forward to gaining control over the virus and to pressing the restart button on school, jobs, and social lives. Unfortunately, though, we simultaneously recognize that these transitions will not happen immediately, and that lull could stymie our progress at the beginning of the year. To battle this hiatus and to consider our resolutions and our approach to January, I recommend breaking routines.

 I am a creature of habit. I have long promoted routines as a way to ensure our children are energized, exercised, and efficient; however, our collective efficiency has dwindled over the many months of mostly online learning and working with minimal social interaction, so we need to find ways to disrupt our habits.

 Too much routine can have a negative effect on our moods and our work product. When we rotate the same dinners, when we face the same schedules, when our teachers stick to assigning  the same patterns of homework and projects, we feel hamstrung, sterile, and flat.

 I strongly encourage all of us to turn to art to disrupt this constancy: whether we analyze a body of films, study or make visual art, appreciate or make music. Whether we read literature, cook, bake, or dance. Any of these pursuits, particularly when tweaked for the new year, can have a healing and energizing effect. Art activates emotions and improves brain function. Let’s make time for art and seek out new ways to introduce art into our lives this year.

 For me, I plan to watch, study, and analyze Alfred Hitchcock movies and, for the first time, attempt to compose piano music. I will revisit my abandoned needlepoint project and pursue new recipes, as my dinner rotation has become stale. 

 For our children, let’s encourage them to dig deeply into an artistic endeavor as a creator, an appreciator, or both. They can choose a favorite musical artist and study his or her background, education, work, and impact. They can learn to weld, to create movies, or to decoupage. Hamilton enthusiasts can become experts on the works and life of Lin-Manuel Miranda. The choices are endless and hopefully exciting.

 In addition to adopting an artistic endeavor, let’s change habits, big and small. Let’s put on the right shoe first, instead of the left. Let’s vary walking and running paths, do the laundry on Monday instead of Friday. Let’s eat something different for breakfast, and let’s order a new cup of brew at Starbucks.

 Vince Lombardi once said, “Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.”  We all truly need a fresh start, so let’s make 2021 better in many more ways than one and repattern our lives. 

Where Does the Time Go?

This morning, I sat down to check my email inbox. The political emails are growing exponentially as Election Day nears, and my favorite retail hotspots send me their daily messages marketing holiday gear with catchy phrases. I can’t resist clicking on an ad or two. A text message crosses my screen from a girlfriend who has shared a link to a YouTube video. I quickly delete most of my email, but hopefully nothing important, and click over to the message and video link. Ten minutes later, I look up and realize I’ve done it again: I’ve been sucked into the deep dark web!

Earlier this month, I watched the documentary (part docudrama) The Social Dilemma, a disturbing exposé that divulges how Google and Facebook engineers targeted its “users” to develop a population addicted to screen time. The victim of algorithms that respond to our search patterns and history, we are lured deeper and deeper into social media, news platforms, and markets. In other words, the search engines and sites track our interests and prey on them. Of course, we are already aware of their hawkish tactics; we know that the mere mention of a new product in daily conversation seems to lead to the appearance of an ad for that product in our feed. We may dismiss its placement as coincidental, but we know better. The depth of our addiction is so unsettling that we likely avoid confronting it.

I believe that for most users, our children included, a direct correlation exists between screen time and an inadequate work ethic. My students are struggling like never before to keep pace with assignments. We lose abundant time in our days to YouTube, gaming, Instagram, news alerts, and more. Do we even know or track how much time disappears?

The ramifications are profound. While we might disagree about whether the risks are as high as the filmmakers argue, we need to understand what could be at stake: 

1.     Our children’s self-esteem due to online bullying and the false representations commonly found in social media postings;

2.     Our perspectives on the world around us because the algorithms know our political leanings, and rather than offering us all of the news from a variety of angles, our feed pushes us farther right or left so that the chasm between us widens; and

3.     Most importantly, valuable time learning, truly connecting, and living.

Without our digital world, we would be paralyzed during this pandemic, but we need to regain control.

Consider checking your children’s smart phone’s settings (and your own) to identify where the time is going. If you already know that your children are particularly unproductive during asynchronous time or accumulate missing work and submit work late for seemingly no reason, then I urge you to take action. 

Sit down with your children and build their awareness of the weapon they are wielding. With most of our lives beyond work and school curtailed because of the pandemic, the source of their anxieties, their idleness, and/or their poor behavior may be right in their back pockets, and they need to know it. Set limits on the offending apps, schedule downtime, and let’s break this cycle and reclaim our sanity. The first step is admitting that we – I – have a problem.

Crate Training

Two weeks ago today, my husband and I brought home a new puppy. You likely have a pandemic puppy nearby, too. Vets are overrun with new business, and as I sit on my front porch, I see oodles of pint-sized Labradoodles patter past.

While I endure some sleepless nights and curtail a few personal pursuits to bond with my new furry friend, I have chatted with many of you who also are suffering sleepless nights, but for ostensibly different reasons: You are worried about your child’s motivation, engagement, educational development, and future. At their roots, our problems are similar. Both your children and my puppy are suffering from separation anxiety. All of our lives have been upended, and we are trying to adapt.

I surely am not an expert in dog care, but, ironically, the guidelines I am trying to follow to develop an obedient, well-socialized, well-behaved, smart dog are excellent reminders for parents of teenagers today: 

·      Shower your children with positive affirmation. We readily see our children’s bad behavior: the missing homework assignments, distractibility, isolation, low grades, and poor work ethic. We need, though, to be very in tune with our children’s good behavior and reward them heavily to reinforce that good behavior. Ooze genuine positivity and pride.

·      Lavish attention on your children. Our children really do not want to brave this pandemic alone. Play with them, ask them questions, hug them, and try to understand their perspectives.

·      Help your children maintain a schedule. A schedule should not be all business. Find time for serious work and for fun; we function better when we have consistent patterns. Help your children recapture that asynchronous time which so many children are wasting.

·      Curb excessive and unwelcome behavior by noting, addressing, and removing triggers (e.g., game systems, bad influences, anxieties); ensuring adequate exercise and appropriate social interaction; and redirecting that misbehavior. To find success, we must remain calm, observant, and firm.

·      Finally, model what you want your children to replicate. If you are overly aggressive or antagonistic with your children, they just might lash back at you. If you ignore your children, they might metaphorically poop in the wrong place.

Like my puppy, we are ready to break out of this cage, but let’s ensure we do so safely. While crated, let’s make the most of it!

Striving for Excellence and Staying the Course

My thoughts this week are with my students, both past and present, as high school classes begin and as colleges struggle to deliver modified collegiate experiences safely. The ramifications of clusters of COVID-19 cases on college campuses, most notably our own University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, are chilling. They are raising concerns about the possibility of delivering in-person instruction and of trusting Gen Z to curb partying and to avoid public gatherings that are fueling the virus. The last-minute switches to online learning in both college and high school classrooms, while well-reasoned, have dampened our children’s spirits (and our own). Moreover, our high schoolers are facing a very different college application landscape than they ever expected. The result chills their motivation to study and to seek mastery in their coursework because the prize dangling at the end of their high school career, often college, seems more like a mirage than reality. Our high school children, therefore, may be succumbing to the adage of “good enough,” rather than striving for excellence.

    The best tack to take is to anticipate a lower motivational level and to guard against it. 

• Speak openly with your child and address any motivational issues you observed in the spring. Express empathy for the difficulties of online learning, but reinforce personal accountability.

• Your child needs to take pride in the young adult she is becoming. She needs to aim high because of what she wants to achieve and accomplish, not merely to satisfy you or anyone else; however, she needs your support. Stand ready to cheer her on and to offer encouragement. When she falters, do not criticize. Rather, help her understand why. 

• Help your child chunk huge tasks into daily goals.

• Discuss coursework with your child, not to make sure he knows his assignment and earns an A, but because you are genuinely interested (or bored) by the topic. Be open with your child when you find a topic boring, but then help him find a way to make it more interesting.

• College cannot be your child’s sole motivator. Without a strong work ethic and solid recommendations from teachers, though, your child will struggle to compete for available opportunities, whether they are internships, jobs, gap year experiences, or college admissions. A strong personal recommendation will much more likely originate from a noticeable work ethic and curiosity than from a high grade.

• Your child’s primary goal needs to be independence, now more so than ever before. Try not to be a taskmaster. I promise that it will not serve your mental health or the mental health of your child. Your child’s pride will be tenfold when she accomplishes any goal largely on her own accord.

Although college cannot be our high schoolers’ primary motivation, my past students’ college admissions speak volumes about my their accomplishments inside and outside of the classroom. I recognize them because, for many of these students, their reality is now vastly different from their expectations. 

Arbor Road Academy has been open for five years! My former students have matriculated to the following colleges. I celebrate them and offer them and you encouragement, particularly during these uncertain times. Stay the course!

Appalachian State University (4)

Bowdoin College                            
The Citadel                                
Clark University                              
Clemson University                            
College of Charleston                        
Davidson College (2)
Dennison University                            
Duke University                            
East Carolina University (3)
Elon University (3)
Emerson College     
Emory University        
Furman University (5)    
Georgetown University
Georgia State University                        
Hampden-Sydney College                            
High Point University (2)
Miami University of Ohio    
North Carolina State University (6)
Olin College of Engineering 
Pratt Institute                   
Rhodes College                        
Roanoke College (2)
Rochester Institute of Technology             
Sewanee: The University of the South
Savannah College of Art and Design            
Tufts University (2)
University of Georgia (4)
University of Kentucky
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (15)        
University of North Carolina at Charlotte
University of North Carolina at Greensboro (2)         
University of North Carolina at Wilmington (4)
University of South Carolina (4)
University of Tennessee                        
University of Virginia (7)    
Virginia Polytechnic Inst. and State University (6)    
Wake Forest University (8)            
Washington & Lee University (2)            
Wesleyan University                            
William Peace University                        
Winthrop University                            
Wofford College                            

Feeling Remote

In the movie “Groundhog Day,” Bill Murray plays a meteorologist who becomes trapped in time, stuck in Punxsutawney as February 2nd, Groundhog Day, begins each morning anew with his radio alarm blasting “I’ve Got You Babe.” His behavior becomes increasingly risky because he bears no repercussions for his actions; each day bleeds into the next, erasing the day before. He ultimately falls into depression and yearns for true human connection.

Most of us are living out that movie in our own lives now. We lose track of the day, the week, or even the month. The days stretch endlessly and repetitively, calendars wiped clean of significant events, such as concerts, sporting events, weddings, plane trips, and parties. Now that the public school system has announced remote learning for the first nine weeks of the school year, our time warp continues.

Pre-pandemic, our children were already under a lot of stress and anxiety, but their angst about school, grades, and résumés has recently been compounded exponentially. Many students share not only our economic and health fears – for ourselves and/or our community – but also fears of the unknown. What will the future hold for them?

Security is a critical prerequisite for readiness to learn, so we need to do what we can to make our children feel supported and safe, lest they too will resort to risky behavior that will serve neither them nor their futures.

Here are my recommendations for remote learning this fall:

 ·      Connect. Children need real human connection, preferably with a carefully selected peer or two. Cultivating social skills will help our children ultimately to become contributors to society and to maintain mental health. Our children need a support network beyond family. Try to help them connect with a peer or two in-person safely.

·      Promote life balance. Students should not expect, and you should not expect them, to dedicate more than six hours of each school day to coursework, including homework. With remote learning in place, their committed time to studying coursework should be trimmed, freeing up time to find life balance. They should supplement school work with real community service, whenever possible, and with a hobby that brings them joy. Our world is in crisis, and each person should, in his or her own way, attempt to make someone else’s day and his or her own day brighter. 

·      Listen and supplement. Take an interest in your children’s coursework. Be proactive. Enhance coursework by watching and discussing with your children documentaries that bolster classroom learning. Pull magazine and newspaper articles of interest to share.

·      Adapt and innovate. These times certainly warrant adaptability, but they also require creativity and innovation. The children who will be best able to transcend remote learning will be those who truly think beyond their prescribed path. As parents, we must embrace the potential for such departures.

·      Most of all, monitor mood and mental health. Watch for signs of depression, such as irregular sleeping patterns and increased isolation.

While we may be “feeling remote” now, we must remain optimistic about a future world where people can reunite physically and politically. Hope is a proven antidepressant. Rest assured, Bill Murray’s character found his happy ending.

Does My Child Still Need to Take the SAT and the ACT?

The short answer is yes. Admittedly, that’s a self-serving statement, but the reality is that standardized testing, while an imperfect measurement of student aptitude, is still the best tool we currently have to distinguish a pool of applicants coming from a variety of educational backgrounds where grade inflation is rampant, recommendations suspect, and college essays over-edited, if not cooked.

When I woke up this morning, I read a New York Times op ed entitled, “Will the Coronavirus Kill College Admissions Tests?” https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/26/opinion/coronavirus-college-admissions-tests.html?searchResultPosition=3 The presentation of opposing opinions on the issue reveals the complexities of college admissions and of the system’s inherent inequities. 

While the University of California system has opted out of the ACT and the SAT for the short and long-term and many other colleges have embraced a test-optional status for this year’s applicants, I do not expect all colleges to quickly seize this approach. I also do not anticipate that the College Board and the ACT, a nearly one billion-dollar industry, will quietly fade into the background.

As we consider our children’s options today, they simultaneously seem (1) narrowed by the economic ramifications of the pandemic, by the uncertainties surrounding the resumption of public gatherings, by the restrictions placed on study abroad programs, and by diluted remote instruction and (2) expanded because prompt matriculation to a four-year college is much less the clear and obvious choice for all students. Students can create their own gap-year options by serving the community, enlisting in the military, starting a business, engaging in an internship, or attending community college. So, why should my child still invest time and money in standardized testing?

The world is changing at a breakneck pace. No one can anticipate fully where we will be just six months from now. I could be wrong about the testing industry; it could meet a quick death, but I do not anticipate its rapid demise, despite the movement by some college leaders. Our children, in my opinion, are best served at this time to keep their options open.

 “Test optional” does not mean that colleges will ignore submitted test scores. Students who gamble and apply without test scores run the risk of being edged out by similarly-situated applicants whose records have been substantiated by scores. 

The college admissions system is, as we now all know, especially after the Varsity Blues scandal, gamed. Righting the system and rooting out inequities will be a hard-fought battle, and, as long as our society overvalues and overprioritizes a college education, as the op-ed notes, these inequities will persist to some degree. As a community, we should keep society’s best interests at heart, but, as parents, we must also protect our children’s best interests. For now, I believe our children should test. 

Summer and Fall Enrollment Form Release 2020

I am, now more than ever, grateful for your interest in Arbor Road Academy. I hope to serve you well in the coming year, particularly during this dynamic educational moment in history. My priority is and always will be the academic and emotional development of your children – helping them to navigate our ever-changing world and preparing them for their next steps, whatever they may be. In partnership with you, I will continue to hold them accountable and to help ensure their steady growth.

The following links will allow you to download forms for 2020 summer and fall enrollment. Please fill out the forms completely. Historically, enrollment fills very quickly. Priority is given based on the time and date of receipt of completed forms. Returning families will receive a three-day enrollment priority window. I recommend that all families, though, submit forms as quickly as possible. Again, thank you for your interest. 

 Summer Enrollment Form 2020

Fall Enrollment Form 2020

Summer and Fall Enrollment Forms Will Be Released Monday, May 4

One thing is certain in this uncertain world: Education will forever be changed by COVID-19. It already has changed significantly. Our children are coping with online classes, online AP Exams, and the loss of some summer programming. Ensuring that our children have support and consistent instruction is paramount. Interest in academic coaching, test prep, and tutoring in our newfound virtual world has increased, as parents see value in the daily structure and accountability expected of students at Arbor Road Academy.

On Monday, May 4, we will release summer and fall enrollment forms here. Historically, enrollment has filled very quickly and, if inquiries are any indication, they will fill quickly next week as well. Returning families will enjoy a three-day priority window; however, new families should not wait, because slots will be awarded based on the time and date of the receipt of the form(s). 

Thank you for your interest and support. 

Making an Informed Decision about Standardized Testing

I am sitting in front of my computer for hours each day, tutoring online, Zooming with family and friends, and allowing my muscles to tighten. I’m in desperate need of a good stretch because now, more than ever, I need to be flexible.

Yesterday, the CollegeBoard, citing student safety, announced the cancellation of its June SAT. The next SAT is slated for August, and if public gatherings are still deemed unsafe at that time, the CollegeBoard has promised to offer an online option. The ACT has scheduled June and July test dates and has not canceled either of these tests . . . yet. 

Meanwhile, colleges are increasingly turning to a test-optional status for the next admissions cycle, so students and parents are left to decide how to proceed with testing and with test prep during very uncertain times.

Is testing still important? 

I firmly believe that any college, test optional or not, is more apt to admit a student with a strong record if that record has been confirmed by test scores, so I recommend prioritizing and pursuing testing and prep if economically feasible. I highly recommend this plan if the student’s test scores will likely bolster his or her record or if any of the student’s preferred colleges still require testing. A thorough review of the current testing requirements for the colleges on the student’s list, along with consultation with his or her college counselor, is advised.

Will my student’s scores likely boost his or her application? The best indicators of a student’s potential for successful testing are a combination of proven results (past scores on similar standardized tests – the PSAT, the pre-ACT, the SAT, and the ACT, most notably), the student’s work ethic, and the student’s enthusiasm. Keep in mind, however, that if a rising senior, by fall’s end, is ultimately not a “successful” test taker because he or she is unable to produce scores worthy of submission, in many circumstances, he or she will not need to submit those scores. Few colleges require students to submit all scores from all sittings. Indeed, in light of the many lost opportunities to improve scores during this testing season, I anticipate that colleges that continue to require the submission of all scores will draw rightful criticism. Accordingly, the primary deterrents from pursuing testing - the loss of time, energy, and money -  are likely, at most, what any student’s family stands to lose. 

Summer jobs and internships, camps, college visits, college applications, online schooling, sports, and, of course, AP exams and standardized testing are now weighty concerns for our children. Flexibility and adaptability are life skills to target for nurturing. . . good decision making, too. 

I need to resume my yoga practice!

Independent Learning

With the transition to online learning, parents of high schoolers are likely hearing about the platforms children’s teachers are using for online instruction, the types of work assigned, and the required commitment from students. The terrain for our children has become treacherous, often without a roadmap, leaving them to navigate an uncertain path. For teachers, finding the right balance between online instruction and independent assignments is also uncharted territory. Some teachers are assigning an overabundance of work; other teachers are literally handing the reins to available online resources. A brief glance at the accrued grades and even the missing assignments of our children since the onset of our captivity may provide insight to a critical question: Is my child an independent learner?

One of the hidden treasures of “sheltering in place” is the opportunity for students to pursue independent learning. How often and well they chase this opportunity is important for parents to track, particularly for high school students, because it is a college readiness marker.

As I have watched students transition from high school to college, a common pitfall for new collegians has been an inability to manage time. In college, time initially seems more abundant. Classes are scheduled often at the students’ whim - for later in the day, spaced well apart, with Fridays free – opening windows of available time. Moreover, required submitted work is minimal. How well students fill available time and chunk studying can determine success, much as how effectively your high school children manage their study and free time at home during this quarantine will determine their success.

Effective independent learners demonstrate intellectual curiosity, self-discipline, organization, and direction. Here are a few suggestions to cultivate improved independent learning, especially if your child is struggling. Please note that these efforts will only be effective if implemented collaboratively. Your child, after all, must be an integral part of the process to foster his or her independence.

·      Instill intellectual curiosity. Insist upon the pursuit of a passion for pure joy alone: art, music, reading, exercise, and/or research. Note that gaming and binge-watching are not options. 

·      Require self-discipline and organization. Insist on a clean and uncluttered workspace. Attention during any online instruction is critical. Removing cell phones and other distractions from the workspace can enable more meaningful learning, improved focus, and efficient use of time. 

·      Provide a white board for to-do lists. A white board offers several positive advantages. The student can visualize what must be accomplished, the student experiences the satisfaction associated with erasing or crossing off assignments upon completion, and the parent can track progress. For the child averse to a planner of any sort, a white board is a good organizational starting point.

·      Plan and dream.  Help develop a reasonable schedule with your child that sets forth the hours dedicated to study and work. Engage in dreaming about the future and in academic and personal goal setting.

How sad will it be if, when we come to the end of our captivity, we have little to show for it? Hopefully, our families are bonding and learning better. If not, let’s do what we can to make that happen. 

In Search of a Silver Lining

My anxiety is at an all-time high. Concerns about the elderly, the stock market, the immunocompromised, schooling, job security, local businesses, the poor, vacation plans, toilet paper, paper towels, hand sanitizer, and health mount, and my face itches! If we are feeling stressed, we know that our children are stressed as well. They see fear on our faces and in our actions. They may also feel confused because, at this writing, our local community seems scarcely touched by hard evidence of the novel Coronavirus. We in North Carolina are experiencing the calm before the storm. Some stores are packed; families and friends are enjoying fresh air and strolls as if on vacation; parking lots are full. Right now, the hype seems overblown, yet, deep down, we know that the virus is lurking just beneath the surface. We know that we should heed the call to isolate and to learn from our global neighbors.

 For a generation of well-traveled children and for adults whose lives and calendars are perpetually full, the idea of isolating at home and of too many home-cooked meals may spark paranoia and claustrophobia. In pursuit of therapy, I am here to offer a few silver linings that come with our prison sentence. 

·      The reduction in traffic during our isolation will reduce air pollution and carbon emissions. China reported significant improvements in air quality during the first quarter of the year.

·      Cleanliness is “going viral.” Many more people are washing their hands and their surfaces frequently.

·      We are being forced to slow down and to connect as a family and as a community.

·      We are hopefully becoming more generous and empathetic. 

·      The political lines of divisiveness are growing fuzzier as we fight in solidarity against this new common enemy.

·      #coronakindness

I am not naïve. I know that the list of disadvantages is already and will be longer than my budding list of attributes; however, while more misfortunes are looming, focusing on some of these positive benefits instead can help to quell anxiety.

Like us, our children will also be adapting to a new normal for a few weeks (at least). We can help their transition by providing structure. We must not allow our confinement to become a staycation. Streaming, gaming, and sleeping should be limited to a consistent schedule. Studying, schoolwork (even if working ahead), and chores should be programmed and regimented; skills will be lost otherwise. Sunshine, play, and social contact with the family and beyond, as appropriate, are essential to maintaining mental health. Our healthy children absolutely should not isolate themselves inside our own homes for hours and hours.

In short, let’s not be all doom and gloom, nor should we paint a falsely rosy picture; however, we must seek and find the silver linings in this very unique shared experience in our lifetime.

In step with our new normal, Arbor Road Academy is now offering classes by FaceTime and Google Hangout to hone and develop math and writing skills, to coach and assist with online coursework, and to  prepare for standardized testing.